Very late last night or very early today morning, as I morbidly sat through the first half hour
of James Cameron’s ‘Titanic’ ( yes dear mother in film heaven, I have sinned!) I learned a very
important lesson. While we are used to public service warnings like ‘Smoking is
injurious to health’ and ‘Smoking kills’ every time some character lights up a
fag on screen, did you know nipples (of women, of course) are far more
harmful?!
The half hour screening did not improve my
opinion of the movie or the director, but one of the most (in)famous things
about the movie for black-hearted, cynical, shallow MoFos like me was (gasp!) blurred! No!
Why?
Because watching Leonardo DiCaprio and most
other males inhaling nicotine may only just, you know, innocently, kill you.
But O dear unsuspecting, virginal, bred on Indian tradition, late night TV watcher,
even a glance at Kate Winslet’s nipples will completely, interminably,
sinisterly destroy you.
With the end result being that they (the
guys who do blurring jobs) almost managed not to show the real mystery- the
Heart of the Ocean necklace- in their life saving bid to present Winslet as a
woman without breasts, and with a lack in her chest area. As if Feminists didn't already have trouble dealing with the original Freudian lack, now I need to get
my breasts chopped off to not offend the 80 year old and not corrupt the 8 year
old up at 3 am in front of the TV set.
Why can’t they show nipples with
appropriate warning signs stuck on the screen like they do with cigarettes, (though
not with violence, or item girls moving their hips like it was the end of the
world or thrusting their boobies in your face, you know, the harmless stuff),
or at the beginning of the film? For example, in keeping with the spirit of
Titanic’s iceberg tragedy, flash the words ‘Nipples ahead!’
Here’s a tiny tentative list of warnings
that ‘guys who blur nipples’ can use (as imagined by my wormy brain) :
1. We do not encourage male viewers ( even
the queer females if any, but don’t worry they don’t exist in India or the
subcontinent or South and SE Asia) to react to the nipples on the screen by
attempting to grope any set of nipples within range of said viewer’s hand.
2. We definitely discourage viewers from
venturing out into public and staring at other people’s women’s nipples
(because Men don’t have nipples! and because Who is Salman Khan?) or requesting/forcing
women to flash them (think about it, what better way than to spread anti rape
messages while showing a movie)
3. We especially discourage female viewers
(btw, only pervy and frustrated women stay up this late at night. Sigh!) from fantasizing about Winslet’s nipples.
4. Nipples may explode if not handled
carefully. Be on your manly guard before venturing to touch them.
In solemn conclusion, nipples are not
remotely harmful. Because every time I see male nipples or Mipples (as I will
call them from now on) I don’t feel like squishing the ‘pungi’ out of every
male in my family and vicinity, or need smelling salts because I have fainted at
being so offended. If I have to endure Mipples, you better sit through Nipples!
<END of RANT>
P.S. Views expressed are completely
personal. Please do not start a blood/mud bath in the comments section. My
nipples won’t be able to take that and will
explode. You are most welcome to add to the Nipples Ahead! warning list. Be
playful and say no to sexism and misogyny.
